The Grave Danger of Assumptions
One of the most dangerous things you can do in life is to assume things about people and situations. Really, you are not doing yourself any kind of service by doing that. You might ask, "What do you mean by making assumptions?" and I can give you some examples.
For instance, you assume that a person should know how to respond to a request you're making because, if it were you, and someone was asking for a similar request, you would have done this or that. Or you don’t explain a decision or situation to a close friend or loved one, assuming they know you well enough not to need an explanation for the decisions you make. You don’t talk about your boundaries with teammates and coworkers, assuming a lot of it is common sense and they should already know.
The closer you feel to someone, the more confident you become in these assumptions. And you might be right the majority of the time. But if you treat this as a blanket rule and always assume, things can blow up in your face—really hard.
The other day at work, we were talking about the importance of providing detail and not assuming people will know what to do. The assignment was to write a paragraph about how to make a PB&J sandwich. Out of 13 instructions written, barely any of them fully covered how to make a proper sandwich, for different reasons. First, a lot of people, myself included, assumed this instruction was addressed to someone who already knew what a PB&J sandwich is, and it was just about recording the steps to actually make one. There were all kinds of assumptions—like people would know they need a knife for this exercise, or that they’d need a plate or board. We also assumed they would know how to spread the peanut butter and jelly, and in what portion.
The same applies to human relationships. You assume your significant other always remembers what bothers you in every situation. You assume your friend knows that receiving a last-minute invite to her party makes you feel taken for granted and disrespected. You assume your aunt, who sees you maybe twice a year, knows you don’t like milk in your coffee.
This is all to say: the next time you catch yourself thinking or saying, "It's safe to assume so and so," pause and remind yourself—it’s never safe to assume anything about anyone. Never. And you need to be careful not to fall into the black hole of giving people the benefit of the doubt as a remedy. The benefit of the doubt should be considered only as a last resort. It always baffles me how people think the benefit of the doubt only benefits the other person. Yes, it does, but mostly it will give you a sense of calm that maybe there’s a chance they didn’t do what they did out of malice, without any assumptions involved. There is a fine line between this and giving them unlimited chances, knowing they'll ruin each one.
I know a person who has been living with a hopeless case of a man for three decades now. After each fight, she breaks down, saying, "How come he doesn’t know that? After all these years and all these ups and downs, you'd think he would have finally gotten it". Well, that's the other danger of assumptions. You think if you’ve taken the time and energy to explain something to someone or make a point, they are now bound to follow your instructions or remember everything. You’re not considering that they may just not care. And oh, there are hundreds of thousands of those people out there—the ones who simply cannot care less about what you ask or share in hopes of making things better.
You think your coworker who keeps blowing his nose so loudly every time that you think, "That’s it, he’s going deaf this time," doesn’t know it bothers you? He knows, and he doesn’t care. Is it safe to assume he's an asshole? I’d say no—you don’t have to assume. He’s 100% an asshole.
So, do you see the difference? Assumptions are dangerous when there’s hope involved, when there are expectations, and when there are dreams for a better future. They're also dangerous when you pass judgment without giving a fair trial. What I’ve learned is to stop putting your hope for improvement in someone else's hands and to stop assuming everyone knows everything all the time. It's not going to happen overnight, and we might not get it right every time, but we’ve got to try. We’re all a work in progress, after all.
Be loud and clear about what you need and want. If they listen, your life will be easier. If they don’t, at least you know who you’re dealing with. As Maya Angelou beautifully said: 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.'