Notes on Depression, Joy, and the Space Between

There are some people who wear depression like a badge of honour. They go about telling everyone "Oh, I have depression" like it's a superpower. It's not. And honestly, if you have ever truly experienced depression in your life, you would know this is not something you would want to talk about.

Yes, with help and through getting support on how to handle it and developing bravery to live with it, eventually you might be able to openly talk about it, but that would not be as a selling point that would make people see you in a different light or have more respect for you thinking "Oh, such a deep person." As if having depression will somehow make you a philosopher or something.

I grew up around people with depression, on different levels of it, and although I can't call myself clinically depressed because I have never had an official diagnosis, I know I have been on the verge of it most of my adult life. I guess it becomes more evident when you actually go out in society and see people who are bubbly and loud and full of energy for no particular reason, and you think to yourself, "Whoa! Is it possible to live like that? How come no one told me? Why do I feel like I don't want to leave my bed most of the time then?"

I have got to say I have always been super jealous of people who seem to have an unlimited source of energy. Almost everything cracks them up; they're constantly moving, dancing, joking around, laughing out loud. I mean, what? How?

Of course there are people in this group who could be deeply depressed and just have learned the way to pretend otherwise, but also those genuinely easygoing and happy people do exist.

I think at some point, I ended up trying to imitate them. Maybe that's why I have a bit of fun in me and that's why I try to shift the energy in the room when I can and that's why I like to make people laugh. I'm not saying I'm a funny person - although I have been called funny - but I do enjoy lightening up the mood when I can.

But these are desperate tries to fight off the demon in my head. The one that keeps saying "Oh you are no good. Who do you think you are? A stand-up comedian? If you were a stand-up comedian, you would bomb on the stage all the time. People might be laughing at your jokes or a comment you make, but the minute you turn your back they will laugh at YOU."

I am trying to remember when this fear of getting laughed AT first started in my life, and although I can't specifically remember an incident, I can think of a couple of culprits in this, and I think I have tried writing about them before, but I don't know, I haven't been able to crack this code yet.

Recently my husband introduced me to this writer/comedian Neal Brennan, who is not like any other comedian I've seen before. There is something different in the way he carries himself on stage that hits you as soon as he starts talking - "Oh, there is something different about this guy" - and lo and behold, he talks about the abuse he endured living in a family of 12 with a raging alcoholic father, and then he goes deeper into his own battle with clinical depression for many years. Excuse me? Is this a comedy show? Yes, it is, and a good one at that.

I have found that in all forms of art, I am really drawn to those who make something out of a deep pain they have experienced in life. Turning pain to art takes a lot of courage and a whole lot of hope to get something off your chest and hope for the best that it doesn't become more ammunition to blow up your life. I think it's tremendously selfless. You would say, "How is a guy standing on a stage, talking about himself for an hour selfless?" It is, because he is saying out loud what so many people are hiding in the darkest corners of their minds. He says, "Look at me, I am not happy, I am not even well most of the time, but here I am. Life goes on, and I am trying my best."

In one of his shows, he says something that really hit home for me as someone who struggles with a lack of self-compassion. He said, "One time, I tried writing down what the voice in my head thinks and tells about me, and when I read it, I thought 'Whoa! If my friends see this, they will be pissed at the one who's talking to their friend like this.'"

This is so true! If you have ever read a book on self-compassion - Dr. Neff's is the best one out there - you've heard that one of the techniques to practice self-compassion is to try to write a letter to yourself and imagine you are talking to your best friend while writing about your own issues. You know how caring and loving you try to be when you're supporting your friends? Be that to yourself.

I would like to think someday I would.

Yesterday, I heard the sad news that one of the satirists I used to admire and follow in my youth has committed suicide. A person who has spent most of his life trying to make people laugh through the hardship of living in a dictatorship. And the darkness finally took him in. What a cruel world we live in.

So please - be kind to yourself and to people around you. We don't know what people are going through. Being kind is the least we could do for each other.