Why Adult Friendships Feel Harder—and How The Let Them Theory Can Help
The Let Them Theory is the title of the new book by Mel Robbins. I first heard of Mel Robbins through one of her famous methods: The 5 Second Rule. This rule says that when you think of doing something, you have 5 seconds to move your body before your brain talks you out of it. For example, if an idea pops into your head, you have to count down: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and physically move your body to grab a notebook and pen or open your Notes app to write it down. If you don’t, your brain will kick in with excuses, and you’ll likely dismiss the idea, telling yourself, “Nah, it wasn’t that good of an idea anyway.”
In this book, Robbins talks about a theory with two parts: Let Them and Let Me. She explains that when faced with a situation that is absolutely out of your control, you can separate yourself from it by letting the adults be adults and refusing to get sucked into whatever is bothering you. Just Let Them. Then, you channel the Let Me to focus on what is in your control and how you can navigate the situation. This approach gives you back the control you were handing over to others and makes you responsible for your own well-being and happiness.
It’s definitely an interesting read that dives into various aspects of life, but my aha moment happened when I was reading the chapter on friendship and building communities.
Robbins starts by pointing out that many people still believe their friendships should resemble the ones they experienced during childhood or college years. Often, they feel disappointed that those golden days are gone and think they’ll never find good friends again. That’s because they’re waiting for friendships to find them. This notion deeply resonated with me. I had the most fun, amazing, and memorable friendships in junior high, high school, and the first couple of college years. Since then, it’s been a struggle to find friends. I’ve been super lucky to have a handful of wonderful friendships over the years, (thank God for each of them), but there’s always been a longing for the ones I had in my youth, leaving me wondering, “Why? Is it me? What happened?”
Robbins explains that there are three pillars to every friendship: proximity, timing, and energy. Proximity refers to how often you are physically near your friends. Timing reflects the life stage you’re in. And energy is about whether you click with someone—you either do or you don’t. She goes on to say that the reason friendships in our youth seem effortless isn’t because we were different people or because we’ve run out of luck meeting potential friends. It’s because we saw each other every day, shared the same chapter of life, and faced similar goals and obstacles. Naturally, we clicked with some people because we had common interests to bond over.
As we grow older, people drift apart due to changes in proximity, life stages, and shifting energy.
“Just because you were best friends during one stage of your life doesn’t mean you will be best friends during the next stage,” Robbins writes—and that’s okay.
As people come in and out of your life, Let Them. Trust the timing. There are certain people who are meant to be in your life for a season. Some are there for a specific reason. And then there are those who will stay with you for a lifetime.
Finally, Robbins dedicates a chapter to creating the best friendships of your life. She emphasizes how much power we have in our relationships and reminds us that some of our favourite people are out there, just waiting for us to take the first step and reach out. What I liked most about this was the agency it gives back to you—a theme that runs throughout the book—in deciding whether you want to connect with more people in your life. If you do, it is on you to make it happen, and if you are not trying to make it happen, you are either scared or you don’t really want it that badly. So quit nagging about it and do something for what you want. Let Them walk away from your life if they are not your crowd, and Let Mego find my people.
When you say Let Them, you release the need to cling to friendships that no longer serve you, making space for connections that truly matter. When you say Let Me, you take charge of your social life, reaching out, initiating, and cultivating the kind of friendships that reflect your values and bring you happiness.
It’s time to stop waiting and start creating—building the best friendships of your life and surrounding yourself with a community that uplifts and supports you. You have so many laughs, memories to make, and incredible adventures in your future.
All you have to do is go first